Life Imitates Art

How the art of Music can have life application

Music reflects life. Music has been therapeutic for me all these years. The song by R&B legend Jeffrey Osbourne, "Love Ballard." The song sings of a love so strong that what is inside of the love is much more than they can see with their physical eyes. The chorus lyrics of the song say, "And What We Have Is Much More Than They Can See." I have been on a lifelong quest for acceptance is a hard pill to swallow. In prison, we want much more than they can see. The "We" is men like me on a lifelong quest for acceptance. The "They" are the people watching us, trying to understand our behavior and relate to us. Understanding behavior can be challenging because what we want is much more than "They" can see

"Let me paint this picture."

My canvas is a prison dayroom where inmates exhibit customs of exaggerated behavior for acceptance. We all have this deep need for approval and to be acknowledged. In prison, inmates are given "house calls," which allows the inmates access to go in or come out of their cells for daily activities. By prison policy, house calls are to be given hourly by the correctional officer. But staff shortages often prevent these house calls from being given every hour. Whether an inmate resides on cell blocks or in a dormitory-style living area, the officer will start on the first cell row, open all the doors, and announce house calls.

Attention

As inmates, we know our routine schedule better than any correctional officer. So, whether we need to be or go somewhere in the next 2 or 3 hours, it is time to leave our cell. What happens during these house calls is intriguing. Remember, what "We" want is much more than "They" can see. An inmate knowing the nature of a house call, will wait till the last minute to enter or exit his cell. When the officer complains, they will be delayed from going to the next area to complete the house call. If it is a female officer, the inmate will engage her in a frivolous conversation about "How is she doing?" or "Where has she been?" If it is a male officer, the dialogue is of male machoism, leading to vulgarity.

But truth be told, the inmate knows if he is the one who is delaying the officer, he gets some attention, even if it is negative attention. The inmate wants to be acknowledged; he wants some attention. I have witnessed an inmate follow a female officer during a house call from the first row of cells to the third row of cells and back. Looking at that scene, it appears that he has stalker tendencies. But what about the inmate who engages the male officer in vulgarities? What "We" want is much more than "They" can see. The exchange between the inmate and the male officer is a deeper image issue. The inmate looks for attention and acknowledgment, even if it is negative or unhealthy behavior.

Why do you think people join street gangs or prison gangs? There is a need and a quest for acceptance. I know; I grew up wounded from rejection, desiring any acceptance. These wounds, I call their wounds invisible scars—the kind of scars that Neosporin and stitches can't heal. My quest for acceptance led me to join a prison gang. Men like me didn't just join a prison gang. I wanted to be accepted and acknowledged for "being down and loyal," so my behavior cycle was a pattern of not just knowing. I am a member, but it is much more than "They" could see.

Acceptance

I have learned that my consequence road is filled with choices of how desperately I sought acceptance and belonging all my life. Looking back, I didn't have the tools. But now I can see my pattern of seeking approval was connected to never knowing my biological father. When my mother got married, I was in junior high. Her husband and I never got along. Her attention went to her husband, and left me. My mother was a victim of domestic violence. When the abuse started, I would run to her aid. However, she would take his side. I ended up running away from home. I felt like, "if this is how you want to live, mama, I'm gone." Years later, I realized my mother also had a deep need for acceptance. People will stay in toxic, unhealthy relationships to be acknowledged or accepted. What "We" want is much more than people can see.

In prison, I wanted to be accepted and seen by the homies, so I committed acts of violence and engaged in criminal activity. I wasn't what you would call "hood," but I knew being in prison, the hood would test my "hood." I realized that my need for acceptance had led me to unhealthy behaviors in the past.

Since those early years, I have learned coping skills and tools by taking a Cognitive Life Skills class. This is the only class that has been beneficial in helping me deal with the unhealthy behavior cycle. I have learned a skill set that facilitates my growth and development.